Jim Appleby doesn't remember the first time he played cricket - in a back yard under the tutelage of a sports-mad father - but remembers the last time. A surgeon, examining X-rays of his right knee, announced that it needed replacing. ‘Oh good,' said the patient. ‘Maybe I can play cricket again...'

The surgeon snorted. "Grow up!" he said.

So the author took up umpiring for his village club. It was a while before he finally stopped himself appealing for LBW when standing at the bowler's end...